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Our neighborhood watch is comprised of mostly little old ladies with no line of common sense I can follow. Resulting, I submit the following letter:
Dear fellow members of the local Neighborhood Watch:
I am writing in advance because every year during the November meeting, we spend 2 hours discussing "what went wrong" on Halloween. I'd like to make a few observations, which, I feel, will save much time and grief for everyone.
Because we seem to be facing the same problems year after year, I think a bit of foreplanning will be much easier than the usual griping and afterthought that usually accompany the bowl of cereal and toast put out for breakfast on November first.
For those who don't know, our subdivision is one of the most active Halloween communities in Utah, and I pride myself on that. No lame-ass trunk-or-treating, no scavenging for candy at the local mall or ward house, and no knocking on doors at the nursing home for us. Nope, no way! We are a good old fashioned shut-down-the-streets-let-the-kids-go-door-to-door-and-let-them-beg-for-candy-until-the-last-porch-light-goes-out sorta neighborhood. People actually have been known to drive their kids in from other parts of the city to take advantage of our hardcore trick-or-treating culture, and I am VERY proud of that. For those who are new, expect lots of ghosts and goblins of all ages knocking on your door. For those who have been here before, you know what to expect, so don't act surprised when you have a bunch of rugrats with empty bags, threatening to egg your driveway unless you give them something sweet!
Now it is printed for you plain in black and white: there will be kids, and LOTS of 'em. Let's keep it that way. Trick-or-treating, after all, is a unique and time honored American tradition! It happened in lots of great movies, like Halloween, Spaced Invaders, and Hocus Pocus . . . oh, wait, the people in those movies were terrorized and killed by slashers and monsters? Oh, dear. What I MEANT to say was that it is a time-honored American pasttime, documented in such family films as It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Yeah, that's more like it. Good films full of old-fashioned Christian values . . .
For those who are uneducated on proper Halloween etiquette (our new neighbors from out of the country, who have an EXCUSE for not knowing all about trick-or-treating), here are a few basics:
1. Porch Light - Your front porch light is an indicator of whether or not you invite children to come a-knockin' at your door in hopes of getting something sweet. If your light is on, it is a clear invitation for children, teens, and legions of the undead to come and seek out something sweet and delicious. Generally speaking, if you have not turned off your light, there is an unwritten contract that you are prepared to give them candy, a piece of fruit, or if the child is weird and bald, a rock. You cannot get upset at children for bothering you if the porch light is on. Other clear invitations to pound on your front door include lit jack-o-lanterns, large decorative displays still in lit-up use, and the smell of live brains. Some people have tried to use deterrents, such as amulets and salt circles, to keep trick-or-treaters away. I've heard they were found the next morning with their candy bowls empty and their brains eaten out.
2. Jack-O-Lanterns - Jack-o-Lanterns are hand carved lanterns, made from pumpkins, displayed on the front porch or lawn to light the way to the door. They are generally illuminated with a candle, though due to recent safety concerns, some people now opt for a glowstick or battery operated candle so not to watch a flaming 3-year-old go running in terror through their yard. After all, who wants to watch a toddler mistakenly set their prize hedge ablaze just after they've tied it up for the winter? The one thing that many people SEEM to forget is that after about 10 PM, a legion of bloodthirsty werewolves (or drunk teenagers) begin to wander the streets, in search of pumpkins to smash. Every year, people in the neighborhood complain about this, thinking it is some sort of vandalism. This does NOT fall under the category of crime for two reasons. First, a gourd is a temporary work of art. Were you really planning to keep it around for a while?! The inside is burned out and in 3 days it will be full of mold. The only practical use I've heard of for a used jack-o-lantern is a sweet treat for the hippo at the zoo, and he couldn't care less how ornate the face on the front side is. The second reason that a smashed pumpkin is NOT considered vandalism is because the pack of werewolves show up like clockwork EVERY year in search of an unguarded gourd, and if you are lazy enough to leave them out on your porch after 10 PM and still be surprised when they are squished to bits in the morning, you DESERVE to have to clean up the mess it leaves.
3. Candy - The number of eggs that hit your house are inversely proportional to the type of candy you offer. Chocolates will not get you egged, nor will gummies or popcorn balls. Borderline candies include Tootsie Rolls, Pixie Sticks, or Smarties, which most of us know, are not really candy, but some sort of cavity-inducing chemical. Fruit will probably not get you egged, though if you put razor blades in them, you may earn 5-10 years in prison. Do not hand out pencils, unless during these hard times, you lack the means to make an omelette.
4. Age - Some people discriminate handing out candy based on the age of the trick-or-treater. This is just plain rude. Keep in mind that some kids have very real disorders that cause them to hit puberty early or grow very tall, appearing older than their peers. Turning them away is just sad. Moreover, some vampires, forever frozen in the age of teenagers, go from house to house, looking for victims who don't give them candy. If you don't want the blood sucked from your neck, you need to give them a piece of candy. Better safe then sorry. What is one little Necco Wafer in exchange for keeping your immortal soul attached to your body? It is not, I repeat NOT worth the neighborhood watch's or the local law enforcement's time to put an age limit on trick-or-treating. Besides, I know several police officers, and all of them know better than to go messing with a centuries old vampire!
5. Vandalism - IS a good reason to call the police. Damage to a house or permanent property should not be a party of Halloween or any other day. If we can stick to this issue, which has been a problem in past years, it will save lots of time for both the neighborhood watch and law enforcement. My understanding is that vandalism is perpetuated entirely by real human criminals, since zombies, vampires, and werewolves are all one-trick ponies and lack the creativity to slash inflatables and break windows. Let's save some time and focus on this as a major problem for the neighborhood, please.
Now that we've been over the basics of Halloween, etiquette on how to properly dole out trick-or-treats, and, most importantly, how deter monster attacks, hope y'all have a safe and Happy Halloween! Oh, and now that you've read this letter, consider yourself warned. If you neglect this article and are mistreated by the undead this holiday season, I reserve the right to place the blame squarely on you.
With sincerest regards,
Ami
(Written in memory of the kind old lady who used to live next door. She'd always hand out the YUMMIEST candies and had a nice thing to say about every costume that passed her way!)
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